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The What If Experience

Explore a new "What If..." question about life each week with some thoughts, some answers and some action steps. Share my journey of personal growth and living in possibility.
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Jan 22, 2017

Have you ever had a choice to make and you can't make a decision? So, you turn it over to fate by flipping a coin or having someone else choose. The moment that the choice is out of your hands...when the coin is flipped or the friend chooses, you realize what you actually wanted? I had that happen this week without realizing there was even a decision to make.

I have a friend who is battling cancer. It's the kind of cancer that you manage as long and as well as possible, not the kind that you cure. I've spent a lot of time with her in the last year and she's continually coping with all the same everyday life things that you and I are dealing with. But. She's also working through things like, how I make sure my teen aged daughter understands the things I want her to know about life when I may not be here to tell her when she's ready to hear. How do I handle my job performance when I'm sick, in treatments and on pain meds. How do I cope with people who tell me with surprise that I "don't look sick" when, oh honey, my mortality is making itself known front and center with every step of every day.

Our mortality.

That's the thing. We all live this life for an unspecified number of days and then we die. If you didn't realize that, I'm sorry to break it to you. Welcome! You're going to die someday! I hope it's not soon. Our brains are wired to have us believe that it's not going to be soon. That tomorrow will be the same as today. I remember early in my friend's diagnosis when we found out that she may have 20 years to live or she may have 2 and I remember thinking that in reality that could be just as true of me as well. But, I am sure my friend would say there's a difference in the actually knowing. An urgency. I remember a year ago being overcome for 3 days with that idea, "what if I only have two years to live. How would I respond to that? What would I do? How would I live? What choices would I make differently?" It's hard for our brains to wrap around that truth and live like there's no guarantee of tomorrow. That's not comfortable. Not one bit. And, boy, do we all crave the comfortable.

We all recognize our mortality in our heads, intellectually. But, how should it actually make a difference in our lives?

Three Ways To Respond

First, never ever take your people for granted and never put off making things right in relationships, growing relationships or appreciating others. Take every opportunity to tell people you care. This might seem very greeting card-ish, until you lose someone unexpectedly and wish you'd said something while you had the chance. In other words, prioritize people. More importantly, make this habitual. Center your life around the idea that people matter most. This is one of our family values and I'm constantly reminding my son in both small decisions and big ones. "People matter most. How does that help you decide?"

Second, remember that how you spend your days is how you spend your life. I have this Annie Dillard quote on my fridge. The actions you take every day will be what your life is marked by. What your life is made of and filled with. If you don't want to be living your life in any given way...don't live your days that way. And on the flip side...the things you want your life full of...fill your days with. Not just the special occasion days.

Third, every so often, be brave and consider your mortality. This is a luxury that you and I have that my friend doesn't have. You and I are not forced to do it. But it's a valuable practice. Consider if your time is short, how would you live? What would you prioritize? What would you do? Not do? Would you pursue what you're pursuing? Hold on to what you're holding on to? Invest in what you're investing in?

Ambushed

I was turning this over in the back of my head this week. Sort of the pre-thinking I do before I figure out what I'm going to record. And that's when the question I didn't realize was there ambushed me.

One of the things I do is run a promotional products business and while I was working I had this passing thought, that, "this is one of those days when I wish I had a sugar daddy paying my bills so I could just..."

Ok, all of you who's eyes just rolled at me. I work really hard. Probably too hard. I've been working since I was 15. I worked through college and I've worked ever since. Usually two jobs, sometimes three and I'm currently a single mom. So, in other words, cut a girl some slack, I've earned a few moments of "what if" when I get dog-eared tired like I am this week.

But, actually, I realized that this passing thought wasn't really a joke like any other time it's come up. And it wasn't that I just wanted to be supported so I could play or have a life of ease. Though, I might not put up too much of a fuss about that. It wasn't even that I wanted to stay home with my son instead of work, because essentially I do that already as I work from home.

What it was, I realized was a deep yearning to do this other work. The art, the speaking to you, the writing...this way of processing ideas and life that I've started doing every week...and be doing it with more mental and emotional space, more attention and more focus. Exploring both the art and the process. Not as something on the side of my side gig. But, as the main thing. Or, as close to the main thing as I can.

I've not considered seriously pursuing art before. Heck, I've just recently gotten used to the idea of calling myself an artist without either throwing up or laughing. And I realized suddenly that all the things I've been  working so hard at for the past year were included on the obligation side of the equation in my head. I know my promo business falls there, but I didn't realize how many other of my current plans and projects were internally classified as, "stuff that was keeping me from my heart work."

I didn't even realize that it was my heart work.

Or, that there was an equation.

I understood suddenly that I was investing energy in the wrong things. And I don't want to spend my next two years - whether it's my last two years or not - investing in things that aren't part of ideal days I want to live. I decided at that point to stop all the other stuff and head into the direction of the art. This means walking away from things I'm comfortable with, have more control over and a more certain income. This is walking away from projects I'd set in motion and some investments I've made...recently...like in the last two weeks. It's scarier and far less secure. In short, it requires far more faith and more growth.

The period of about a half hour while these realizations were coming up was intense, emotional and for lack of a better word, spiritual. When it was over, I had an adrenaline hangover. You know that feeling when you've had a close call, the rush of adrenaline shows up...then when it's all over you're shaky and spent? That's how I felt. And, it was like my heart and intuition had taken huge strides forward and my head was still back at the starting gate saying, "Hello, what just happened? What do you mean you made a decision, I hadn't even asked a question!"

This wasn't a normal decision process for me. It was different. It felt very different. And that's probably a good thing, because I suspect I'm going to need to hang on to that "differentness" relatively often in the future. Just in the last two days I'm being inundated with internal, "why do you think you could? Who do you think you are?" and " You're not good enough!" voices.

So, this word of mine that I've talked about the last two weeks. Create. It's already wreaking havoc in my life. And apparently it's going to be much more of my life work in this year than I even suspected a week ago.

Episode Artwork

The art this week was difficult. Every time I tried something it didn't work. Where I ended up is a little piece about your heart's work. About peeling back the layers of life until you find it. Those layers might be lovely. This is hand made paper I picked up in Mexico. It pretty, it's meaningful, it's got weight and substance. It's very difficult to tear. Your layers might be all those things. But, look beyond them to find your heart's life.

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